After some discussion here about life in the 'country', and the lack of manners some have I thought I would (all in good fun of course) post my little guide on how to fit in a little better in the 'country'.....

This piece grew out of a discussion over a few 'adult beverages' amongst a few of the locals here while grumbling about the lack of manners and 'knowledge' amongst the growing number of former city-dwellers who had moved into our area. After we had it all refined, one of the fellas actually took to stuffing a copy in mailboxes of homes that had recently changed hands. I don't know if this is the cause or not, but the situation has improved since it was started.



The following list of rules applies to each person as they enter "The Country".

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'gravel road'. We drive a pickup truck because we need to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. We have cattle, pigs and sheep, that's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? There’s highways going both east / west and north / south. Pick one and follow it a while, preferably one-way.

4. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million dollar combines that we drive three weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept and follow along.

6. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw "Bambi" too. We got over it because they taste good.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your EAR at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat bass, and crappies. You really want sushi and caviar. It's available at the local bait shop.

9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a Religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. It's also the tool for opening beers. Learn respect for both.

10. We open doors for women. That applies to everyone regardless of age. Most of the women are ladies and say "Thank You.".

11. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare, or order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

12 When we fill out a table there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices; salt, pepper, and Tabasco sauce.

13. You bring "Coke" into my house it had better be brown, wet, served over ice and plenty of it! You bring "Hooch" into my house it had better have 4 legs, a tail, and have a nose for duck, deer, or pheasant, or be in a square black bottle from Lynchburg, Tennessee. You bring "Mary Jane" to my house she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit the ball into the water hazards please, it spooks the fish.


Best of luck.

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